Out Me!

Out Me! BY Tim Facebook - dragging gay men out of the closet since 2006. Trevvy's Tim shares with you the gay nightmares of this social networking site. 22/04/2008

I'm sure you know what Facebook is. It's that online networking website that allows you to collect friends, tag ugly photos of your enemies, throw Paula at people, and engage in little poke wars that, in truth, are really a covert version of Trevvy's very own kisses & spanks. Of course, Facebook isn't the only website of its kind. Friendster, its less hip cousin, also serves similar functions. And of course, there's Myspace, and if you're looking for one with a gay spin, there's Trevvy, of course. But unlike Trevvy, one's straight friends and acquaintances are probably on these other websites as well. This also means that they're privy to your the rest of your social lives, whether in the form of photos, or wall-to-wall posts. This could be a problem - Websites like Facebook have the tendency to throw the doors of one's closet wide open. For the average gay man who has yet to come out to the friends he grew up with, there is the tendency to have to two distinct social lives – one with the crowd that they grew up with, and one with the crowd they club with. For closeting purposes, this segregation is essential. It's all very exciting, this double-identity business. Dividing the two social groups neatly, keeping them blissfully unaware of each other, and listening in for information from both sides to keep the facade up. I'd dare say, though, that before the advent of the Internet, this was quite an easy game to play. Given the fact that straight men hardly interacted with gay men before, it was easy to keep to separate social cliques. In fact, it was very simple – just don’t introduce them to each other. After all, it’s not as though either side was itching to befriend the other. Sure, there may have been the occasional incident when one bumps into members of the straight clique while hanging out with a flaming queen. After all, Singapore is a pretty small place. But such bloopers were salvageable. With the right amount of deception, these encounters were easily explained away - business meetings, work lunches, and even an interest in joining theatre are some of the excuses that one used to be able to give. Throw in a right amount of reluctance, and a tinge of disgust, and it was easy to pull the wool over their eyes. But ignorance is slowly receding. And with that, comes greater awareness. Your straight friends are likely to raise their eyebrows when you tell them you have an interest in joining theatre. This is where Facebook comes in. With greater awareness and acceptance, more and more people are coming out of the closet. There will be those who are completely unabashed about their sexuality - who will crack gay jokes on everyone’s wall, join anti-homophobia groups, and put up the rainbow flag as their profile picture. And they will be your friends. Quite possibly your Top Friends, at that. It might be easy to explain away one or two of such friends. But as a gay man, it’s highly unlikely that you’ve only got a few gay friends. When a large proportion of your online friends comprise of hunky topless men, it’s going to be a little harder to find excuses. Given how facebook also has the uncanny ability to sniff out your sexuality, it also tends to display google ads and suggested links to even more gay-related websites. There’s also that inconvenient box with the header “People You Might Know” that’ll suggest more gay friends, to add to the whole expose. Then, there is the flip side. With greater awareness and acceptance, more and more straight people are meeting gay men, everyday. Given the gaggle of gossip queens that mark the ranks of gay men, it’s quite likely that these sisters will accidentally drop your name in one of their trademark bitching sessions. Straight men love a good gossip session too – while they may not have the drama to contribute to one, they certainly don’t mind listening in. And of course, they’ll also have realized that the rainbow is a gay motif, and that topless men on Facebook usually don’t dig vagina. It doesn't help that Facebook documents all of one's activities, via the mini-feed. One can't be constantly monitoring the photos that go up - I had the unfortunate experience of being dragged out of the closet when my NS friends realized I was at the Botanic Gardens in pink last year, on the day that the Pink Picnic was banned. This simply spells trouble for the closeted one. On one hand, tools such as facebook are great for keeping in touch with the many friends that one makes. However, it doesn't quite allow you to separate the perceptions that they have of you. There's only room for one identity on this website. But in truth, the solution is pretty simple, and rather obvious - Just come out, and be proud of who you are. After all, if your friends are asking you about it, they’re probably more curious than judgmental. And what better person to tell them what being gay is really about, than you? .

While i appreciate every bit of the fact that we're all entitled to our own opinions, what's up with vilifying Facebook..or Friendster..or any other social networking site there is to date..be it in the case of your boss wanting to add you as a friend on Facebook or your homophobic i'm-gonna-tell-all-our-relatives cousin finding pics of you and your ang moh (same sex) partner on Friendster..it all boils down to personal responsibility..Digital Life had an article bout it today..and this article on Trevvy also came out today..

how convenient eh..

its all about who you are and who you are comfortable being..back when i first started using the internet in 1998..i was careful not to leave any signs that would out me as a faggot..i knew well enough to keep those 2 lives separate..and it was not till probably 2004 that i started outing myself through the internet thru my now defunct blog..come on la..was it Facebook that automatically tagged all your Paris holiday photos as Faggots In France..no..it was by your own actions that led to post that cute coupley shot of you and Pierre having Cafe Au Lait at some bistro..duh..ppl are bound to get a clue..and the author made a very good example bout his own experience..

seriously..i feel that many of the complaints that the gay community and the general community have are all just blame put on others..look at your own actions first before putting the blame..

seriously..the only thing i liked bout this article..is the ending..cause its the only thing that makes sense..


but hey..thats just my opinion..

i hate you..

as much as you are my best friend..i still hate you..

i hate you for the times where you were vying for my attention and did not like it that i was happily chatting with some other guy..

i hate you for the time when you avoided me after i came out to you..

i hate you for always being the sad pathetic one which everyone had to take pity on..

i hate you for doing whatever it is that you did to make you end up where you are now..

i hate you for being the bigger slut than i ever was not because im jealous but just because im against the idea of slutting around..

i hate you for making me and your family live thru the suffering that we're going thru now..

i really really hate you for having everything be about you you you you you you..


i hate you..

sigh..

its been 6yrs now..and i'll never ever stop loving you..

David..

sweet lil boy..

yest afternoon..a sweet 22yr old boy asked me out..he wanted me to accompany him to buy a new pair of work shoes..

its been 3 months since i last saw him..

he rode all the way down from Ang Mo Kio on his bike to pick me up from my place..then brought me to Tampines Mall..after getting the shoes..we had lunch at Blue Urban Oasis and just chatted..

then we rode down to town and roamed about Heeren before we were both tired..apparently beer has the same effect on both of us..so we settled at Spinellis and had a drink and shared a Classic Philly Cheesecake..

after that i suggested we head down to Vivo to spend some time before work..

he's really such a sweet kid..i wish i could just hug him n keep him by my side forever..

that kid is straight..and loving straight men is my lifelong curse..

Eeee..Gay..

written by: Aze


I enlisted in 2001, and I guess with most closeted gay boys in BMT, we worry if we would make it through or worst, ‘pecah lobang’. I do not know if the straight boys ever worried bout making it through. But for us who tried to fit in, there was always this fear of whether we would give ourselves away through our actions or words. I am sure you do not hear macho (The straight kind. Not the mary kind) men spouting words like ‘fabulous’ or ‘divine’.

Personally, for me, it was more of a problem of actions. See, I used to be a dancer in my years before enlistment. I kept the company of girls in school because although they were not aware of my sexuality, we could relate on many aspects. I am not saying that I am one of those sissy gay boys (no offence to them). I would like to think that I am pretty straight acting except for times when I suffer momentary lapses of broken-wrists and diva-esque behaviour.

One of my fellow platoonmates was a poly friend of mine and I was out to him. But surprisingly enough for me, when we were in BMT together, he treated me just like one of the guys. There was no mark of homophobia at all. This opposed to my poly days when I could sense the bit of unease in him.

I made friends with a fellow dancer in my section. And we both became best friends from there. And because I had someone else with the same interest in dance as me, I loosened up. The diva in me had gotten the better of me. Even my Platoon Commander called me J-Lo when he caught me dancing in the gym on night. But to them all, I was straight.

My postings after BMT saw me in positions where my secret identity had to remain secret. But trust me, its hard to keep that secret when one as me loves tight tank tops, clothes from NUM and the colour pink. My retort to those who laughed at me wearing pink; ‘Takes a real man to wear pink’. They usually shut up after that.

I was in a leadership position. I had trainees and at one point, I was in charge of men. I could not allow for my sexuality to compromise my credibility as an instructor. It was hard for me to be un-biased at times but I tried my best to be fair to all. I found that being gay and in a leadership position had an advantage. I had something that most straight men in my position do not have. I have empathy. Opposed to the other instructors, my trainees could talk to me. They turned to me for advice. And I looked after them and saw them as my younger brothers in need of direction.

My trainees kept in touch with me even after leaving my care. And I came out to most of them, over the years. And never once was I faced with the ‘Eee..GAY..’ response. Even my colleagues whom I came out to during my 4 years service, never once did I have their backs turned to me.

I guess what I am trying to say about what I have learnt is. Be true to yourself. And people will respect and love you for who you are and not give a hoot about what you are.

On a final note.

I attended the birthday celebration of an ex-trainee of mine recently. And this was after I ORD and was pretty much out to the world. I attended it with this ex-trainee’s good BMT mate who happens to be gay too. Before he blew out the candles, he made dedications to the people who attended, and his words to me, in front of all his friends, were,

‘The man I will always respect. My instructor.’

Surviving The Green

written by: Aze


People are often amazed when I tell them I spent 4 years in the army. Given my sexuality, you would think that minimum sentence would be suffering enough. But no, I had to be all gung ho and sign on.

I got the letter for my check up in early 2001 while I was still a happy (gay) go lucky polytechnic student. It bothered me quite a bit. Because here it was, the part of my life where I choose to or not to declare my homosexuality. I mean we are supposed to be truthful about our answers. But when the point came where I was filling out my papers, I thought to myself, why should I let my homosexuality decide how my army life turns out. I’ve read and heard about other PLUs declaring 302, and the ‘perks’ they get. Never needing to stay in camp, doing administrative jobs. But hey, what can I say; I am a patriotic citizen. So it was, I declared myself a heterosexual. Do not judge me for that.

Then came the actual enlistment letter months later. That’s when I completely freaked out.

Firstly, I am not an Alpha male type. I do not go around enjoying sports or hard physical labour (except the bedroom kind). How the heck was I to cope with push-ups (the physical..not the support bra kind) and running? I admit I actually ran slower than my ex-girlfriend during the NAPFA test in poly.

Also, how was I going to cope with being in the company of other men? Hell yeah, technically they are all straight men. But that is just it. I have always had a weakness for straight men. What if I was in the showers with them and I get a boner? What then? Or I develop a crush on a bunk-mate (and boy did that happen a lot..) and it totally screws things up for me. What then?

Many questions and fears arose. But no solutions were in sight. When the big day came, homosexuality was an issue that stayed at the back of my mind. I was more worried if I could make friends or if I could survive the first day.

I guess with being gay and undeclared in the army, I had something to prove. Both to myself and to others. Its like, the age-old story of the underdog who comes out on top (no pun intended). I wanted to be that underdog. Except in this story, the underdog could not let others know why he was the underdog. I felt like I had to fight on in silence throughout the days of BMT. To emerge victorious and yet be unable to tell others the significance of my victory.

I pressed on for those four months. Probably the toughest four months of my life. Early reveilles, fixed lights off timings, innumerable push-ups, long dreadful route marches (which eventually became my specialty as an instructor), the very sobering SOCs and the stressful IPPTs. It took all I had in me, and more, to be able to make it through all that.

I do not mean to freak out all those pre-NS younglings out there. The army can prove to be a harrowing challenge but it can also be a source of invaluable experience. Here is the thing though, upon looking back and re-assessing things, I realize how the fight to get through the first four months was more of a mental struggle than it was physical. I mean, any Tom, Dick or Hairy can do 12 chin-ups, jump 245cm and so on, given they have the average physique and proper training. Surviving the physical aspect had nothing to do with the sexuality of a person. I am gay and I jump my SBJ better than most straight guys I know. Surviving the physical aspect however, had everything (if not most) to do with the mind.

How strong a mind one has, easily translates to how much a person can endure, physically and mentally. How else would you explain instances of straight men breaking down and crying because they could not take the training, or because they miss home? The best reason I heard a hot straight guy give for crying was because he missed his mummy. Alas, it destroyed all prior feelings I had for him.

I hope you will heed these words, of this homosexual who went through 4 years in the military. If you can grow up as a homosexual, to be comfortable where you are today, through the social stigmas, constant oppression, stereotyping and prejudice, life in green might be more of a stroll in the park than you ever imagined.

Lastly, I am not trying to tell you that you should falsely declare your sexuality. Nor am I telling you that you that it is noble to be gay and fighting alongside straight men. I cannot even being to imagine the kind of repercussions you young ones could face if you are not mentally prepared to face the challenges ahead.

But what I know is this. Fighting for what you believe in is a noble cause. And no person should be held back from serving his nation the best way he can because of his sexuality.