yest afternoon..a sweet 22yr old boy asked me out..he wanted me to accompany him to buy a new pair of work shoes..
its been 3 months since i last saw him..
he rode all the way down from Ang Mo Kio on his bike to pick me up from my place..then brought me to Tampines Mall..after getting the shoes..we had lunch at Blue Urban Oasis and just chatted..
then we rode down to town and roamed about Heeren before we were both tired..apparently beer has the same effect on both of us..so we settled at Spinellis and had a drink and shared a Classic Philly Cheesecake..
after that i suggested we head down to Vivo to spend some time before work..
he's really such a sweet kid..i wish i could just hug him n keep him by my side forever..
that kid is straight..and loving straight men is my lifelong curse..
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Eeee..Gay..
written by: Aze
I enlisted in 2001, and I guess with most closeted gay boys in BMT, we worry if we would make it through or worst, ‘pecah lobang’. I do not know if the straight boys ever worried bout making it through. But for us who tried to fit in, there was always this fear of whether we would give ourselves away through our actions or words. I am sure you do not hear macho (The straight kind. Not the mary kind) men spouting words like ‘fabulous’ or ‘divine’.
Personally, for me, it was more of a problem of actions. See, I used to be a dancer in my years before enlistment. I kept the company of girls in school because although they were not aware of my sexuality, we could relate on many aspects. I am not saying that I am one of those sissy gay boys (no offence to them). I would like to think that I am pretty straight acting except for times when I suffer momentary lapses of broken-wrists and diva-esque behaviour.
One of my fellow platoonmates was a poly friend of mine and I was out to him. But surprisingly enough for me, when we were in BMT together, he treated me just like one of the guys. There was no mark of homophobia at all. This opposed to my poly days when I could sense the bit of unease in him.
I made friends with a fellow dancer in my section. And we both became best friends from there. And because I had someone else with the same interest in dance as me, I loosened up. The diva in me had gotten the better of me. Even my Platoon Commander called me J-Lo when he caught me dancing in the gym on night. But to them all, I was straight.
My postings after BMT saw me in positions where my secret identity had to remain secret. But trust me, its hard to keep that secret when one as me loves tight tank tops, clothes from NUM and the colour pink. My retort to those who laughed at me wearing pink; ‘Takes a real man to wear pink’. They usually shut up after that.
I was in a leadership position. I had trainees and at one point, I was in charge of men. I could not allow for my sexuality to compromise my credibility as an instructor. It was hard for me to be un-biased at times but I tried my best to be fair to all. I found that being gay and in a leadership position had an advantage. I had something that most straight men in my position do not have. I have empathy. Opposed to the other instructors, my trainees could talk to me. They turned to me for advice. And I looked after them and saw them as my younger brothers in need of direction.
My trainees kept in touch with me even after leaving my care. And I came out to most of them, over the years. And never once was I faced with the ‘Eee..GAY..’ response. Even my colleagues whom I came out to during my 4 years service, never once did I have their backs turned to me.
I guess what I am trying to say about what I have learnt is. Be true to yourself. And people will respect and love you for who you are and not give a hoot about what you are.
On a final note.
I attended the birthday celebration of an ex-trainee of mine recently. And this was after I ORD and was pretty much out to the world. I attended it with this ex-trainee’s good BMT mate who happens to be gay too. Before he blew out the candles, he made dedications to the people who attended, and his words to me, in front of all his friends, were,
‘The man I will always respect. My instructor.’
I enlisted in 2001, and I guess with most closeted gay boys in BMT, we worry if we would make it through or worst, ‘pecah lobang’. I do not know if the straight boys ever worried bout making it through. But for us who tried to fit in, there was always this fear of whether we would give ourselves away through our actions or words. I am sure you do not hear macho (The straight kind. Not the mary kind) men spouting words like ‘fabulous’ or ‘divine’.
Personally, for me, it was more of a problem of actions. See, I used to be a dancer in my years before enlistment. I kept the company of girls in school because although they were not aware of my sexuality, we could relate on many aspects. I am not saying that I am one of those sissy gay boys (no offence to them). I would like to think that I am pretty straight acting except for times when I suffer momentary lapses of broken-wrists and diva-esque behaviour.
One of my fellow platoonmates was a poly friend of mine and I was out to him. But surprisingly enough for me, when we were in BMT together, he treated me just like one of the guys. There was no mark of homophobia at all. This opposed to my poly days when I could sense the bit of unease in him.
I made friends with a fellow dancer in my section. And we both became best friends from there. And because I had someone else with the same interest in dance as me, I loosened up. The diva in me had gotten the better of me. Even my Platoon Commander called me J-Lo when he caught me dancing in the gym on night. But to them all, I was straight.
My postings after BMT saw me in positions where my secret identity had to remain secret. But trust me, its hard to keep that secret when one as me loves tight tank tops, clothes from NUM and the colour pink. My retort to those who laughed at me wearing pink; ‘Takes a real man to wear pink’. They usually shut up after that.
I was in a leadership position. I had trainees and at one point, I was in charge of men. I could not allow for my sexuality to compromise my credibility as an instructor. It was hard for me to be un-biased at times but I tried my best to be fair to all. I found that being gay and in a leadership position had an advantage. I had something that most straight men in my position do not have. I have empathy. Opposed to the other instructors, my trainees could talk to me. They turned to me for advice. And I looked after them and saw them as my younger brothers in need of direction.
My trainees kept in touch with me even after leaving my care. And I came out to most of them, over the years. And never once was I faced with the ‘Eee..GAY..’ response. Even my colleagues whom I came out to during my 4 years service, never once did I have their backs turned to me.
I guess what I am trying to say about what I have learnt is. Be true to yourself. And people will respect and love you for who you are and not give a hoot about what you are.
On a final note.
I attended the birthday celebration of an ex-trainee of mine recently. And this was after I ORD and was pretty much out to the world. I attended it with this ex-trainee’s good BMT mate who happens to be gay too. Before he blew out the candles, he made dedications to the people who attended, and his words to me, in front of all his friends, were,
‘The man I will always respect. My instructor.’
Surviving The Green
written by: Aze
People are often amazed when I tell them I spent 4 years in the army. Given my sexuality, you would think that minimum sentence would be suffering enough. But no, I had to be all gung ho and sign on.
I got the letter for my check up in early 2001 while I was still a happy (gay) go lucky polytechnic student. It bothered me quite a bit. Because here it was, the part of my life where I choose to or not to declare my homosexuality. I mean we are supposed to be truthful about our answers. But when the point came where I was filling out my papers, I thought to myself, why should I let my homosexuality decide how my army life turns out. I’ve read and heard about other PLUs declaring 302, and the ‘perks’ they get. Never needing to stay in camp, doing administrative jobs. But hey, what can I say; I am a patriotic citizen. So it was, I declared myself a heterosexual. Do not judge me for that.
Then came the actual enlistment letter months later. That’s when I completely freaked out.
Firstly, I am not an Alpha male type. I do not go around enjoying sports or hard physical labour (except the bedroom kind). How the heck was I to cope with push-ups (the physical..not the support bra kind) and running? I admit I actually ran slower than my ex-girlfriend during the NAPFA test in poly.
Also, how was I going to cope with being in the company of other men? Hell yeah, technically they are all straight men. But that is just it. I have always had a weakness for straight men. What if I was in the showers with them and I get a boner? What then? Or I develop a crush on a bunk-mate (and boy did that happen a lot..) and it totally screws things up for me. What then?
Many questions and fears arose. But no solutions were in sight. When the big day came, homosexuality was an issue that stayed at the back of my mind. I was more worried if I could make friends or if I could survive the first day.
I guess with being gay and undeclared in the army, I had something to prove. Both to myself and to others. Its like, the age-old story of the underdog who comes out on top (no pun intended). I wanted to be that underdog. Except in this story, the underdog could not let others know why he was the underdog. I felt like I had to fight on in silence throughout the days of BMT. To emerge victorious and yet be unable to tell others the significance of my victory.
I pressed on for those four months. Probably the toughest four months of my life. Early reveilles, fixed lights off timings, innumerable push-ups, long dreadful route marches (which eventually became my specialty as an instructor), the very sobering SOCs and the stressful IPPTs. It took all I had in me, and more, to be able to make it through all that.
I do not mean to freak out all those pre-NS younglings out there. The army can prove to be a harrowing challenge but it can also be a source of invaluable experience. Here is the thing though, upon looking back and re-assessing things, I realize how the fight to get through the first four months was more of a mental struggle than it was physical. I mean, any Tom, Dick or Hairy can do 12 chin-ups, jump 245cm and so on, given they have the average physique and proper training. Surviving the physical aspect had nothing to do with the sexuality of a person. I am gay and I jump my SBJ better than most straight guys I know. Surviving the physical aspect however, had everything (if not most) to do with the mind.
How strong a mind one has, easily translates to how much a person can endure, physically and mentally. How else would you explain instances of straight men breaking down and crying because they could not take the training, or because they miss home? The best reason I heard a hot straight guy give for crying was because he missed his mummy. Alas, it destroyed all prior feelings I had for him.
I hope you will heed these words, of this homosexual who went through 4 years in the military. If you can grow up as a homosexual, to be comfortable where you are today, through the social stigmas, constant oppression, stereotyping and prejudice, life in green might be more of a stroll in the park than you ever imagined.
Lastly, I am not trying to tell you that you should falsely declare your sexuality. Nor am I telling you that you that it is noble to be gay and fighting alongside straight men. I cannot even being to imagine the kind of repercussions you young ones could face if you are not mentally prepared to face the challenges ahead.
But what I know is this. Fighting for what you believe in is a noble cause. And no person should be held back from serving his nation the best way he can because of his sexuality.
People are often amazed when I tell them I spent 4 years in the army. Given my sexuality, you would think that minimum sentence would be suffering enough. But no, I had to be all gung ho and sign on.
I got the letter for my check up in early 2001 while I was still a happy (gay) go lucky polytechnic student. It bothered me quite a bit. Because here it was, the part of my life where I choose to or not to declare my homosexuality. I mean we are supposed to be truthful about our answers. But when the point came where I was filling out my papers, I thought to myself, why should I let my homosexuality decide how my army life turns out. I’ve read and heard about other PLUs declaring 302, and the ‘perks’ they get. Never needing to stay in camp, doing administrative jobs. But hey, what can I say; I am a patriotic citizen. So it was, I declared myself a heterosexual. Do not judge me for that.
Then came the actual enlistment letter months later. That’s when I completely freaked out.
Firstly, I am not an Alpha male type. I do not go around enjoying sports or hard physical labour (except the bedroom kind). How the heck was I to cope with push-ups (the physical..not the support bra kind) and running? I admit I actually ran slower than my ex-girlfriend during the NAPFA test in poly.
Also, how was I going to cope with being in the company of other men? Hell yeah, technically they are all straight men. But that is just it. I have always had a weakness for straight men. What if I was in the showers with them and I get a boner? What then? Or I develop a crush on a bunk-mate (and boy did that happen a lot..) and it totally screws things up for me. What then?
Many questions and fears arose. But no solutions were in sight. When the big day came, homosexuality was an issue that stayed at the back of my mind. I was more worried if I could make friends or if I could survive the first day.
I guess with being gay and undeclared in the army, I had something to prove. Both to myself and to others. Its like, the age-old story of the underdog who comes out on top (no pun intended). I wanted to be that underdog. Except in this story, the underdog could not let others know why he was the underdog. I felt like I had to fight on in silence throughout the days of BMT. To emerge victorious and yet be unable to tell others the significance of my victory.
I pressed on for those four months. Probably the toughest four months of my life. Early reveilles, fixed lights off timings, innumerable push-ups, long dreadful route marches (which eventually became my specialty as an instructor), the very sobering SOCs and the stressful IPPTs. It took all I had in me, and more, to be able to make it through all that.
I do not mean to freak out all those pre-NS younglings out there. The army can prove to be a harrowing challenge but it can also be a source of invaluable experience. Here is the thing though, upon looking back and re-assessing things, I realize how the fight to get through the first four months was more of a mental struggle than it was physical. I mean, any Tom, Dick or Hairy can do 12 chin-ups, jump 245cm and so on, given they have the average physique and proper training. Surviving the physical aspect had nothing to do with the sexuality of a person. I am gay and I jump my SBJ better than most straight guys I know. Surviving the physical aspect however, had everything (if not most) to do with the mind.
How strong a mind one has, easily translates to how much a person can endure, physically and mentally. How else would you explain instances of straight men breaking down and crying because they could not take the training, or because they miss home? The best reason I heard a hot straight guy give for crying was because he missed his mummy. Alas, it destroyed all prior feelings I had for him.
I hope you will heed these words, of this homosexual who went through 4 years in the military. If you can grow up as a homosexual, to be comfortable where you are today, through the social stigmas, constant oppression, stereotyping and prejudice, life in green might be more of a stroll in the park than you ever imagined.
Lastly, I am not trying to tell you that you should falsely declare your sexuality. Nor am I telling you that you that it is noble to be gay and fighting alongside straight men. I cannot even being to imagine the kind of repercussions you young ones could face if you are not mentally prepared to face the challenges ahead.
But what I know is this. Fighting for what you believe in is a noble cause. And no person should be held back from serving his nation the best way he can because of his sexuality.
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