written by: Aze
I enlisted in 2001, and I guess with most closeted gay boys in BMT, we worry if we would make it through or worst, ‘pecah lobang’. I do not know if the straight boys ever worried bout making it through. But for us who tried to fit in, there was always this fear of whether we would give ourselves away through our actions or words. I am sure you do not hear macho (The straight kind. Not the mary kind) men spouting words like ‘fabulous’ or ‘divine’.
Personally, for me, it was more of a problem of actions. See, I used to be a dancer in my years before enlistment. I kept the company of girls in school because although they were not aware of my sexuality, we could relate on many aspects. I am not saying that I am one of those sissy gay boys (no offence to them). I would like to think that I am pretty straight acting except for times when I suffer momentary lapses of broken-wrists and diva-esque behaviour.
One of my fellow platoonmates was a poly friend of mine and I was out to him. But surprisingly enough for me, when we were in BMT together, he treated me just like one of the guys. There was no mark of homophobia at all. This opposed to my poly days when I could sense the bit of unease in him.
I made friends with a fellow dancer in my section. And we both became best friends from there. And because I had someone else with the same interest in dance as me, I loosened up. The diva in me had gotten the better of me. Even my Platoon Commander called me J-Lo when he caught me dancing in the gym on night. But to them all, I was straight.
My postings after BMT saw me in positions where my secret identity had to remain secret. But trust me, its hard to keep that secret when one as me loves tight tank tops, clothes from NUM and the colour pink. My retort to those who laughed at me wearing pink; ‘Takes a real man to wear pink’. They usually shut up after that.
I was in a leadership position. I had trainees and at one point, I was in charge of men. I could not allow for my sexuality to compromise my credibility as an instructor. It was hard for me to be un-biased at times but I tried my best to be fair to all. I found that being gay and in a leadership position had an advantage. I had something that most straight men in my position do not have. I have empathy. Opposed to the other instructors, my trainees could talk to me. They turned to me for advice. And I looked after them and saw them as my younger brothers in need of direction.
My trainees kept in touch with me even after leaving my care. And I came out to most of them, over the years. And never once was I faced with the ‘Eee..GAY..’ response. Even my colleagues whom I came out to during my 4 years service, never once did I have their backs turned to me.
I guess what I am trying to say about what I have learnt is. Be true to yourself. And people will respect and love you for who you are and not give a hoot about what you are.
On a final note.
I attended the birthday celebration of an ex-trainee of mine recently. And this was after I ORD and was pretty much out to the world. I attended it with this ex-trainee’s good BMT mate who happens to be gay too. Before he blew out the candles, he made dedications to the people who attended, and his words to me, in front of all his friends, were,
‘The man I will always respect. My instructor.’
I enlisted in 2001, and I guess with most closeted gay boys in BMT, we worry if we would make it through or worst, ‘pecah lobang’. I do not know if the straight boys ever worried bout making it through. But for us who tried to fit in, there was always this fear of whether we would give ourselves away through our actions or words. I am sure you do not hear macho (The straight kind. Not the mary kind) men spouting words like ‘fabulous’ or ‘divine’.
Personally, for me, it was more of a problem of actions. See, I used to be a dancer in my years before enlistment. I kept the company of girls in school because although they were not aware of my sexuality, we could relate on many aspects. I am not saying that I am one of those sissy gay boys (no offence to them). I would like to think that I am pretty straight acting except for times when I suffer momentary lapses of broken-wrists and diva-esque behaviour.
One of my fellow platoonmates was a poly friend of mine and I was out to him. But surprisingly enough for me, when we were in BMT together, he treated me just like one of the guys. There was no mark of homophobia at all. This opposed to my poly days when I could sense the bit of unease in him.
I made friends with a fellow dancer in my section. And we both became best friends from there. And because I had someone else with the same interest in dance as me, I loosened up. The diva in me had gotten the better of me. Even my Platoon Commander called me J-Lo when he caught me dancing in the gym on night. But to them all, I was straight.
My postings after BMT saw me in positions where my secret identity had to remain secret. But trust me, its hard to keep that secret when one as me loves tight tank tops, clothes from NUM and the colour pink. My retort to those who laughed at me wearing pink; ‘Takes a real man to wear pink’. They usually shut up after that.
I was in a leadership position. I had trainees and at one point, I was in charge of men. I could not allow for my sexuality to compromise my credibility as an instructor. It was hard for me to be un-biased at times but I tried my best to be fair to all. I found that being gay and in a leadership position had an advantage. I had something that most straight men in my position do not have. I have empathy. Opposed to the other instructors, my trainees could talk to me. They turned to me for advice. And I looked after them and saw them as my younger brothers in need of direction.
My trainees kept in touch with me even after leaving my care. And I came out to most of them, over the years. And never once was I faced with the ‘Eee..GAY..’ response. Even my colleagues whom I came out to during my 4 years service, never once did I have their backs turned to me.
I guess what I am trying to say about what I have learnt is. Be true to yourself. And people will respect and love you for who you are and not give a hoot about what you are.
On a final note.
I attended the birthday celebration of an ex-trainee of mine recently. And this was after I ORD and was pretty much out to the world. I attended it with this ex-trainee’s good BMT mate who happens to be gay too. Before he blew out the candles, he made dedications to the people who attended, and his words to me, in front of all his friends, were,
‘The man I will always respect. My instructor.’
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